RELATIONSHIPS, ART OR SCIENCE?

You may not realize this, or may have not thought about this often or ever, but most of us have been in all kinds of relationships all of our lives. Depending on your age, you may have had relationships with your parents or caregivers, siblings, relatives, loved ones, friends, teammates, mentors, bosses, coworkers, etc. As social creatures, human beings need relationships. In fact, we could easily state that the quality of our relationships will determine the quality of our lives. So, if relationships are so important and we have so many, why is that we struggle so much with them? Why are they so difficult?

To answer this question, we will need to dig deep into our own nature, the complex human nature. Let’s start by defining a relationship. According to the Oxford dictionary, a relationship can be defined as the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected; the way in which two or more people or groups regard and behave toward each other; and a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings. For the purpose of this article, we will concentrate only on relationships where human beings are involved.

When the word “relationship” is used, most people assume it is referring to just one kind of relationship, a romantic one. But in reality, the word covers all sorts of human associations as mentioned above in the introductory paragraph and all other sorts of associations, including relationships with pets, animals, plants, things, God, the planet, …, and even with ourselves. The latter one being the most important of all of them, as you will see later in this article.

Another question comes to mind at this point, why is that we need relationships? And the answer is simple: we need relationships because of our human nature and needs. We are social creatures, and as such, relationships are used to fulfill certain social, physical, mental, cultural, political, religious, etc. needs. For instance, when we feel lonely, sad, misunderstood, etc., we need someone to talk to; when we cannot explain things but need the strength to continue on, we need to believe in someone (God usually); when we are not enough for ourselves and the biological clock is ticking, we need a partner and more than likely a family; etc.

Basically, relationships may be based on limerence, love, solidarity, regular business interactions, preferences, needs or some other type of social commitment. Interpersonal relationships are formed in the context of social, cultural, and other influences. Regardless of the type, all relationships are based on a need, a deep need to give, take or both. When we have a need, we feel incomplete. And when we feel incomplete, we feel the need to fulfill that incompleteness. It is a hole that needs to be filled. And this incompleteness, these needs, these holes are in essence a “longing”, which is an intricate, powerful force affecting us all of our lives…a force that most people don’t even know that exists.

When our completeness is based on something external, whether it is a person, animal, thing, or concept/belief; when our happiness, joy, peace, etc. depend on something or someone external, then the foundation of the relationship is frail from the start. If we add to this the fact that we, humans, are complex creatures, who are constantly changing, who have or create unrealistic expectations that are changing constantly, who are prone to exclude instead of including, and so on, then we can easily conclude that we have arrived at the source of the struggle on relationships.

Fundamentally, when we start a relationship, we are filling a hole by digging another most of the time. We create relationships with unrealistic expectations that no one can fulfill, not even God. We see this around us time after time. For instance, if you look for love or get married because you are lonely and want to feel loved, with time, as the other person gets busy with work and family, your needs for companionship and love will emerge again. When your expectations are not met again, when that person is not able to fill this emptiness inside of you anymore, it is more than likely that you both will struggle and end up apart or divorced.

The same happens for some people in their relationship with God. If they feel that God is not there when they need him/her/it desperately, then they blame him/her/it, and will in many cases stop believing in him/her/it or blame him/her/it for it. If you are using a relationship to be happy or loved, to have a companion, or for any other reason, then you are using another person, animal, thing, or concept/belief as the source of your happiness, love, companionship, etc. When you do that, you are setting yourself up for trouble. You are just filling one hole with the dirt from digging another one. That can only end up as a disaster after a long struggle in many cases.

Everything that we experience is happening inside of us. If we are feeling incomplete and have needs, these needs (incompleteness) are inside of us and need to be fulfilled from the inside, and not from the outside. This is the most important relationship we have, the one with ourselves. We cannot be one with somebody or something else. We must be one with ourselves if we want successful relationships with ourselves and others! When we are one with ourselves, then we can express that oneness with others by spreading what we have and not by expecting from other what they have. In other words, if you want to be loved, you cannot go out to find love. You must first learn to love and love yourself. Then and only then, you will be ready to express love and share that love with someone or something else.

If we are not able to do be one with ourselves, if we are not able to fulfill our needs from inside of us, but from the outside, then we will be fulfilling them temporarily, and not permanently because with time, the needs will surface again. This is our human nature. These needs, this longing, are always there and can only be satisfied from the inside. If you work hard on being one with yourself, to include instead of exclude, to create realistic expectations or not have expectations at all (preferred), then you do not have to do anything to have wonderful relationships because now you are sharing or spreading what you are, your true self…your true nature! And life…and life will simply dance to the rhythm of your own music. That’s a quality life!

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Author: Maurice Correa
Website: pathtoone.com
Blog: p2oblog.blogspot.com