REACT NOT, RESPOND

We all have been in situations or events where either us or someone else reacts strongly to what is happening or has been said. In fact, we or someone else around us reacts abruptly or softly so often in our daily lives that we do not even realize the frequency with which it is happening. As society is less inhibited physically, mentally, emotionally and verbally and is surrounded with more negativity, fear and stress; we trespass easily the boundaries of respect, tolerance and understanding in our daily interactions by even the most minimal conditions. Whether the reaction is favorable or not depends on the type of situation or event we are confronting and how we feel at the moment.

Anything can trigger a reaction. A positive reaction can be triggered by either getting good news, or seeing a loved one, or meet an old friend that we have not seen for a while, or anything that touches us superficially or deeply in a positive manner. A negative reaction can be triggered by either a simple, unintentional bump of shoulders, or a look, or something said or done, or for that matter, anything that rubbed us the wrong way. In fact, a reaction can even be triggered by nothing at all. It all depends on how we are feeling at the moment in which we are reacting.

A reaction can be compulsive, emotional, and unconscious or can be methodic, intelligent, and conscious, the latter being called “a response.” Reacting is the action performed or the feeling experienced in response to a situation or event. A reaction is instant and driven by the beliefs, values, biases, judgements, and prejudices which are deeply ingrained in us…in our unconscious mind. It is instinctive, reciprocal or in favor or opposition to a particular situation, event, or person. A reaction is based in the moment and doesn’t take into consideration long-term effects of what you do or say, becoming basically survival-oriented and, on some level, a defense mechanism.

Responding, on the other hand, is technically a reaction and follows the same definition, but it takes into consideration the result, a desired output. A reaction may result in a positive or negative outcome whereas a response is engineered to produce a positive or negative outcome, a desired outcome. “While reacting is based on emotions, responding is based on emotional intelligence. A response takes into consideration the well-being of not only you but those around you, weighing the long-term effects and staying in line with your core values,” says Dr. Matt James Ph.D., president a of the Empowerment Partnership.

A reaction is comprised of two interrelated components that are acting in unison, one internal and one external. The external component is what you think, say and do (behavior) when exposed to the stimulus. On the other hand, the internal component is what you feel (happiness, pleasure, anger, rage, shame, defensiveness, insecurity, vulnerability, etc.) when exposed to the stimulus. Keep in mind that you do not have to react externally in order to react. Every time that we create an opinion or judgement of the people or situation in which you are or are not involved, we are reacting internally but not necessarily externally.

The reasons why we are so reactive are many, including the fact that we live most of the time unconsciously (about 95% of the time according to scientists); we are not at peace with ourselves (and therefore we definitely cannot be at peace with others); we have not been taught, or have learned, how to manage our feelings and emotions; we live in fear, stressed and surrounded by negativity so our way to cope is by behaving in kind; we have never been taught how to respond instead of reacting; we have more physical, mental, emotional, and verbal freedom and less inhibitions that can exacerbate some situations; etc. Following is a story from which we all can learn.

Once upon a time there was a samurai who used to go everywhere with his dog, which he held in high esteem. One day his dog got away from him and was playing with the leaves that fell from the trees. Greater was the surprise of the samurai, when suddenly his dog ran toward him with an aggressive air. The samurai, who was well trained, drew his sword and just when the dog jumped at him, he cut off his head.

The samurai did not understand why his faithful dog suddenly turned against him. Then he raised his head and saw how a snake, which was on a branch, was getting dangerously close to him. When the samurai realized that his dog was trying to save him and not hurt him, he cried bitterly. It was then that he remembered an old teaching from his master: "The meaning of an action is not always easy to interpret, therefore, before drawing your sword, make sure that this is your only option."

Just like in this samurai story, before reacting (drawing your sword), we must make sure that this is our only option. In other words, we must learn not to react but to respond to every single situation in our lives regardless of the degree of simplicity or complexity of the situation. But to be able to do that, we must learn to be conscious or, at least, aware when the situation or event presents. We must be more conscious or aware of how our emotions drive our decisions. Understanding this will improve our responses, not reactions, to the myriad of situations or events in our daily lives, and will improve our relationships, decisions, productivity and possibilities.

Follow the simple 3-step method of “awareness-pause-respond.” You can start living a life that is more responsive and less reactive simply by paying attention and noticing what you do or say (be more aware, mindful or conscious). When the situation or event appears, pause whenever you feel yourself about to react. Take a deep breath, step back if needed or move away from the situation, and give yourself the opportunity to respond consciously. Look mentally for the best option to respond depending on the situation and your own criteria. Then decide and respond in kind. You might not be able to get it completely right at first but continue practicing until you master this technique.

Your target is to be like the bamboo, with strong roots (foundation) but flexible enough to be able to withstand any type of wind or storm without breaking, without changing. With practice and a strong foundation, we can sway effortlessly at every situation (just like the bamboo), without breaking or changing who we really are. In the case of the samurai story, we must be the samurai, but before reacting, before drawing the sword, we must instantly or with a pause select the best action or response for the situation. With practice, when you know who you really are, you do not need to draw your sword anymore. But if you must, draw the sword of silence, the sword of a smile, the sword of a kind gesture...the sword of empathy. That will deliver the most powerful and fulminant blow!

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Author: Maurice Correa
Website: pathtoone.com
Blog: p2oblog.blogspot.com